This is it. The biggest event of the year. Maybe the biggest event of my life. High school graduation? Bat Mitzvah? Literal birth? Small fries. This is my moment. And you’re all invited.
After decades (1.5 years) of soul-searching, I have finally decided to declare my major. It’s been a long and hard road. As a sweet baby first-year, I thought I would major in English, then Spanish, Film and Media Studies, then–for a brief, passionate week–pure Mathematics. This year, I found my purpose right beneath my feet. Like Taylor Swift’s football-playing crush who is also dating Taylor Swift but with brown hair in the You Belong with Me music video, what I was looking for had been there the whole time. As the wind whips the ol’ stars and stripes and the bald eagle sings sweetly above us, I stand before you now declaring my intent to major in American Studies.
Please, hold your applause. The real American heroes are firemen or teachers or something. I am just a frail but glamorous woman who has chosen to pursue a very noble and patriotic course of study. You may ask me, Lily, what are you going to do to celebrate having a major? Are you going to throw a party or perhaps sing the national anthem at a basketball game? To which I say–NO!
I am going to do what every Yale student does and go online and select my major from a drop-down menu. Then I will click “submit.” This is a VERY dramatic action that can SEAL your fate FOREVER, unless you choose to CHANGE IT, which you can at any time
So far, nobody has found the prospect of watching me declare my major and throwing confetti on me to be at all appealing. Thus, I am inviting all of you, my loyal readers, to watch me from afar. Here we go.
Undeclared? Not for long. Imagine the music behind me swelling as I hover my cursor over the drop down menu.
Ooooooooooooh bOY…here we go…The music picks up and you realize it was “America the Beautiful” the entire time…My hand trembles at the anticipation of clicking.
And now I have clicked “save”! Invisible fireworks go off! The music reaches its zenith! Camera flashes everywhere!
Please send monetary gifts directly to me.