It’s College Application Season. Your parents forgot to get their vaccinations this year, and now they’ve been attacked by a wave of viruses known as the College Applicant Parent Sicknesses (aka CAPS). Suddenly they’ve transformed from civil human beings to something you can’t quite recognize. Luckily, as survivors of the epidemic ourselves, we here at the Survivors Coalition can give you some tips and tricks on how to deal with parents afflicted by CAPS. Below, we’ve identified 7 different types of CAPS and effective home remedies for your parents.
“The Invested Parent”
Symptoms:
Your parents nag you too much. They’re jumping down your throat with deadlines, forwarding you links every day to new (and mostly inapplicable) scholarships and grants. They’re signing you up for unnecessary classes and meetings with uncle Charlie to review your application when you’ve already hit submit. They exclusively begin sentences with “Have you done…?” It’s simply too much for you to take.
Cures:
Administer a dose of gentle honesty along with an expression of gratitude. Your parents just want the best for you—they are not immune from the stress of College Application Season. Their overbearing concern can become an annoyance or even a barrier in this season–the best way to deal with The Invested Parent is to communicate: you are thankful for their involvement, but for now, what you really need is a little bit of space.
“The Backseat Writer”
Symptoms:
Mom leans over your left shoulder. Dad points at your screen. “Use ‘passion,’ college officers love that word,” says Mom, while Dad takes your mouse and edits your resume. They point out every grammar and spelling mistake you made on your brainstorming sheet. Mom thinks you should write about how Grandma Betty taught you to sew. Dad thinks you should write about him. Word by word, sentence by sentence, your essay becomes theirs.
Cures:
You must fortify your immunity against the Backseat Writer! Garner up your courage and tell them with love that the essay-writing process is about self-discovery, with the emphasis on self. A stronger, perhaps more effective cure may be directly telling them that the Backseat Writer condition may prove fatal to your college application–admission officers can tell in a heartbeat if someone else has been writing your essay. That said, parents can play an important role in the essay-writing process–as some of the people who know you best, they make for excellent sounding boards.
“Been There, Done That”
Symptoms:
Commonly diagnosed with phrases like “in my day” and “it used to be,” your parents are still afflicted with their own college application experience from a couple decades ago. However, you’ve seen it clash with modern-day procedures and cannot help but roll your eyes in exasperation at their outdated information. This can result in prickly attitudes and feeling of superiority in both directions.
Cures:
No one likes being told that times have changed. Do NOT disparage their experience–this may trigger even stronger symptoms of Been There, Done That. Do NOT act like a know-it-all. Instead, acknowledge that their advice is appreciated. The best thing you can do in this case is to supply your parents with current information on the application process.
“The Know-It-All”
Symptoms:
This is an allergic reaction to the immense amount of information on the Internet. Suddenly, your parents have gone from not knowing how to flip the Facetime camera to being an expert on all things college related. Through the gift of the World Wide Web, they’ve stumbled upon College Confidential and now take it as the word of God. They’ve figured out the exact percentages–down to the decimals!–of you getting into your schools, and twenty million things you could be doing right now to raise those probabilities!
Cures:
Remind your parents that there is no guarantee to get into a certain college based on your GPA, SAT scores, and resume–and there is certainly no calculator on the Internet that could predict your future. Sometimes, too much information and over-prediction and analyzation of the future can be detrimental to your mental health. Let them know that while the numbers are certainly out there, they are not helping you or your stress levels in the process.
“The Comparing Parent”
Symptoms:
Your parents will not stop spouting the names of Susan, Debra, Janet, and Karen’s children. According to the grapevine, your classmates have already landed interviews with admissions officers before starting their applications. Something in you shrivels up and dies when they start with, “Why can’t you be like…”
Cures:
Snarky rebuttals, eye-rolls and heavy sighs will only further inflame this type of CAPS. In the heat of the moment, however, there is one thing you can do to stop your parents in their tracks: acknowledge that they’re right. That Jessica does have excellent grades in chemistry. That Dylan is very hardworking as president of the business club. Your parents are expecting resistance from your end–you take them by surprise when you recognize your friends’ strengths. Once they’ve cooled down, you must be honest and vulnerable with your parents. Tell them (gently!) that comparison deeply hurts you and makes you feel inferior, and that you’re trying your best to run your own race.
“Throwing a Fit”
Symptoms:
This is often one of the harder diseases to deal with. You and your parents disagree about which college makes the best fit for you, and subsequently throw a fit. You cannot seem to come to an agreement, which threatens your entire future as you need your parents’ emotional and financial support to go to college. The situation seems dire, and may lead to days of tense silence in the house.
Cures:
Recognize that this time isn’t easy for your parents either—leaving the house you’ve grown up in for 18 years can be a daunting experience for not only yourself, but for your parents. At the end of the day, they want the best for you. Go over aspects of a school: location, distance, size, majors, student life, etc. and pinpoint where exactly their concerns lie. Acknowledge their love and strive for a compromise, whether through visiting schools together or conducting civil, open conversations.
CAPS isn’t easy to deal with. The cures begin with recognizing that the ultimate cause of CAPS is your parents’ overflowing love for you. Take it from the Survivors Coalition: you will go through College Application Season together and emerge all the stronger.
